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All the drama you are worrying about, the clothes you are stressing over, all bullshit. It doesn’t matter. The guy you are changing for, the years spent trying to be something you’re not, the decades spent pretending to like things and care about things. All bullshit. Because it doesn’t mean a damn thing. Listen in about three generations, you are by and large forgotten. Do I know of my great grandfather Ferdinand? Yes. Do I know about what he ate after extensive research on what was healthy right now? Fuck no. Do I know about Carmella? Yeah. Does anyone remember whether her clothes were what was in style, or the embarrassing moment she probably lost sleep over? No. Because it doesn’t matter. All your choices right now, will be forgotten. Unless you are creating things that will stay as you go, this is all meaninglessness. So why does everyone worry so god damn much? Maybe it’s because some of this will be remembered, because we do put every god damn detail online. But besides that. I just don’t know why anyone spends years of their lives, self conscious about their ‘style’ or worried about a dumb thing they said once. Because truthfully it doesn’t matter. Maybe everyone reaches this conclusion at some point. Maybe at some point in your life, you experience enough to look back and realize you can’t even remember your own mistakes that at the time felt like the biggest catastrophe since WW2. Maybe it’s at that point, that you really begin to live a life for yourself. I think that’s it. I think that until you come to terms with the fact that you are just another human moving through life to die, you don’t ever begin to live for you. I think once you realize that, and become aware that everyone is doing the same, you find both comfort and terror in it. Because on one hand, everyone and everything doesn’t matter, when you die, you go the same way anyone from Donald Trump to the homeless man go. We all die. On the other hand, if nothing matters than what is the point? I think that’s what life is as well, finding a point in everyday. Because there isn’t a point. In terms of religion I suppose there is, but it’s just to live this life good enough to be granted something better. If you aren’t religious, it’s just to live life good enough to live a long life. Once you come to terms with that, you can truly go for the things you want. Take the risks you want to take, because you know if you fuck up, it doesn’t really matter. You send those texts that could make everything come crashing down. You find no use in mind games, or immaturity. Because you know this is all bull, and why make anyone else’s life and subsequent bullshit harder. I think then you begin to tell people how you feel, and do it with some risk. Because not everyone thinks the same, but it’s better to find that out now. I don’t claim to have the answers to life, hell we all already know it’s 42. But I do know that in three generations, this post isn’t going to be remembered. When your gone, it’s kind of like they compact all you were into a few good stories. Your mistakes fade, your achievements become less shiny, you sort of average out. Does that suck? Maybe. But you won’t know it. Can you change it? To an extent. I mean I think that for example Lucille Ball, she’s still remembered. But she to, is condensed to a groundbreaking female comic. Do we remember the day she wore her shirt backwards, or the day she cried herself to sleep? No. But because she did create, the essence of her does live on, but just like everyone else, the bullshit remains just that, meaningless bullshit. I guess what I’m saying isn’t that I’m some genius who’s experienced a life so long that I am a philosopher. But I think I am just given a brain that always questioned things. Always curious. With a brain like that, maybe I just questioned enough things and got enough answers that really just all pointed me here. It’s 7 am, I was woken up by a panic dream. I’m going to go back to sleep and wake up tomorrow. I’m going to throw on a mister Rogers shirt, regardless of what’s in fashion. I’m going to make mistakes, and do things that at the time seem dumb. But at the end of the night tomorrow, I’ll know that today, and all the events that encompassed it, will be compacted into maybe one sentence. And slowly as the week rolls on, and we finish it out. Today won’t even be its own sentence. Instead this week will just be one summed up saying. And so on. I’m going to take chances on people, and open myself up to that. I’ve let go of much of my childhood issues, and am working through my current ones. I’m going to live this life. But I think more importantly I’m going to aim not to live to die, nor die to be remembered. I think I’m just going to live to find a point to each day, live to find things that make the bullshit worth it. Much like in relationships, where issues and conflict are there, but in the end that person makes you want to deal with their problems forever. That’s sort of life. Find or create a life, that makes you want to deal with the meaningless petty bullshit of today.
